To feel like myself again

This is long!

So I've been having a bit of a hard time the past few weeks. I didn't feel like blogging about it until now. The food/drink area of my life has changed. That might sound confusing! Well, in mid April, I thought I was getting another infection(in the bladder, again TMI), but it turned out not to be one. But the irritation feeling I had didn't go away. I went to a urologist a couple of weeks later and I again tested negative for an infection and got checked out. I have not been officially diagnosed(because I'd need a special test for that which includes anesthesia so I'd rather not right now!), but I most likely have a form of a bladder disorder (interstitial cystitis) where I can get irritation and inflammation from acidic foods, drinks, and stress. When I read a lot about it online, I really freaked out. All I felt was stress! A lot of what I read sounded horrible. The pain people had, the way it affected their lives, the way that there is no cure only different treatments, medications, etc. But I realized my pain is not as bad as what I had read. So I'd only have it mildly. It's still uncomfortable at times, but nothing I would call "pain". More like a nagging annoyance. I dislike the fact that since this issue relates to a sensitive area, it's like I can't really talk so openly about it.

There is a diet you are supposed to do to try to prevent irritation. It cuts out certain items. I haven't had a cup of coffee in one month and two days now. Wow. I love my morning cup of coffee. It's not like I drank it all day, but that morning coffee was like comfort food. But it's very acidic, whether it's regular or decaf. Why did I put "coffee" in so many of my online user IDs?? Now it makes me sad! (hehe)

I haven't had regular chocolate in weeks now because it's also acidic. No citrus fruits, no tomato(and related tomato products). No delicious spicy Indian food that I love. Having to give up things you love because they can hurt your insides has been an emotional thing for me! And the fact that giving them up has not returned me to feeling normal has also been stressful for me. It doesn't really sound so bad, I know--to avoid certain things to prevent further damage, but it's not as easy as I thought it'd be! I now feel like I have to read ingredients on everything for hidden things like "citric acid" and other stuff I wouldn't normally care about. Soy is supposed to be acidic too, which totally stinks because with a mostly vegetarian husband, tofu and fake meats are a part of our lives!

 I think there is hope for a little coffee again one day. Low acid coffee. I did take one tiny sip from my husband's cup of coffee on Sunday while out to eat, my first taste in weeks. Yum. But I also had taken a special supplement beforehand that is supposed to remove acids from foods by neutralizing them. I have a follow up Dr appt in a little less than two weeks. I mostly want to ask all the questions I have been wondering about since the last visit.

 I have only sometimes felt like myself since May 2nd, the day I made the urologist appointment for May 7th, and realized this feeling inside would not be going away very soon. That terrified me. I had a couple of good days and nights one weekend, but by Monday(over a week ago) I started having anxiety again on and off. This continued the rest of the week. I kept saying to myself "what is wrong with you?! it's not so bad!", but I couldn't stop my heartbeat from getting faster from anxiety randomly during the day. By last Saturday, the anxiety was fading away. We had a very nice Memorial Day weekend and that helped me relax and realize more things. I can do this. I am still mobile. I can ignore my feeling when I am having fun. I feel more peaceful again. I can possibly eat a little more of the items I thought I couldn't. I pray for remission, which is what they call it when someone's symptoms go away for awhile or forever! I will try to do my part, and I pray pray and pray that God can help me with the rest and help my body heal and behave properly.

I know bad things can be used for good, and I have been praying a lot. I have also lost weight due to stress at first, then uncertainty of foods to eat so I didn't eat a lot, and now just eating less of random snacks. Me losing weight is definitely a good thing! It doesn't mean I have only been eating healthy. Vanilla milkshakes are on the safe list, and I definitely have had one or two! Like on a day where I hardly knew what to eat and just wanted to not feel hungry, it helped a lot. Also just a crappy fast food burger, feeling like I needed the protein and iron. And I felt better after eating it. I won't be eating them all the time.

I feel like I am getting better emotionally now, so I finally decided to type it out. I want to really feel like myself again. I hope the next time I type I am even farther along to being me!

Certain things going through my head lately:
"Create in me a clean heart, O God....restore unto me the joy of my salvation, and renew a right spirit within me" (part of scripture verse/song)
"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust.....You make me new, You are making me new" (Beautiful Things, song by Gungor)